


It's Just How It Is

by MoveTowardFocus



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blade of Marmora Keith (Voltron), Depression, Feelings Realization, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Insecurity, Keith is back back from training, Kind of a fix it?, Lance (Voltron) Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 06:57:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21175301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoveTowardFocus/pseuds/MoveTowardFocus
Summary: They’re supposed to bicker, and Keith is supposed to be better at everything and Lance is supposed to pretend to have a chance against talent like that. They’re supposed to get mad at each other and storm away, just like old times. Instead, Keith is looking at him softer than he ever has.





	It's Just How It Is

**Author's Note:**

> Set immediately after Keith gets back from training with the Blade, but imagine the stuff with Lotor gets put on hold so they can have this. Because I'm still salty they never hugged.

He’s walking along the sand, staring into the blueness of the ocean as it moves in a steady beat to meet the shore. It’s peaceful, with the way the sun overhead heats the sand under his toes. The gentle sound of children laughing in the background creates a playful atmosphere. The wind is messing up his hair, but he doesn’t care because it washes the salty spray of the ocean into his face and he’s reminded of holding his sister’s hand knee deep in the waves, gripping tight so she doesn’t get swept away. Everything about it feels like home.

“Earth to Lance, in case you forgot, we’re kind of in the middle of something here.” Pidge’s voice cuts into the fantasy and he’s brought back to the mundane whiteness of the castle lounge. He takes a moment to glance across the faces of the others only to find them looking at him with varying degrees of impatience and annoyance.

“Sorry, what did you say?” He asks, sitting up straighter on the couch. He’s doing this an awful lot lately. Spacing out in the middle of conversations and missing bits of information. It never fails to disappoint the others. He thinks maybe it wouldn’t happen so much if they spoke directly to him more often.

Shiro gives a small sigh and Lance shrinks in on himself at the sound. “I said, Pidge, Hunk, and Lance are going to be infiltrating the Galra fighter with their lions. They’ll get in, grab the intel, and get out.” It’s embarrassing to let Shiro down, even for something so small. He wrings his hands in his lap and looks away.

“Three is too many, Shiro. Lance should stay here with the princess.” Pidge protests, nodding her head in Allura’s direction. It’s how it usually goes these days. The others have made it pretty clear that with Keith gone training among the Blade, Lance is more of a burden than he used to be. He doesn’t even disagree. Of course he should stay. Hunk and Pidge are better Paladins than him. It’s just how it is.

“Stay with the princess? Don’t mind if I do.” He shoots Allura a wink from across the room, forcing a smile onto his face that he doesn’t feel. The others groan at his antics and Allura looks away from him, ignoring him completely. It plays out exactly how he knew it would and he’s relieved when their attention gets drawn back to planning now that he’s agreed to stay out of the way. It’s a scripted song and dance that’s been performed over the course of the last several missions. The others are still discussing the best entry point onto the Galra ship, but Lance knows the others won’t ask his opinion and therefore won’t be missed. He stands and leaves the room, door sliding shut behind him. Nobody asks him where he’s going.

The next morning, he doesn’t go to breakfast. He’s not hungry much anymore, exhaustion taking its place. He doesn’t know how that could be considering he doesn’t work as hard as the others, but he doesn’t dwell on it. It’s just how it is. No one comes and checks on him, he hadn’t expected them to, and he spends the time staring out of a window at the black vastness of space. It used to scare him, how large and empty space was. How deep and dark. Now it just looks welcoming, like if he just stepped out the bay door he’d be folded into a black and violet quilt that would block out the rest of the world. He knows logically that he would suffocate in space, but maybe not as fast as he’s suffocating here in the castle.

He shows up to training a few minutes early, having nothing else to do. When he gets there Shiro and Pidge are already in the room. They’re talking about their upcoming mission to retrieve the intel, and they don’t even look up when he comes in the room. He waves at them anyways, feeling not unlike a ghost amongst the living. He sits down on the training mat a few yards away from them and starts stretching so he doesn’t hurt himself later. The two finish their conversation and Shiro comes to stand over him.

“Hunk told me you need help with hand to hand.” He greets, not unkindly. Lance feels a pang of hurt ride through him at the knowledge that Hunk has apparently been telling Shiro about how much he sucks at training but quickly washes it away when he reminds himself that Hunk is right. Hunk was probably just trying to help, like always. Lance does suck at training. He’s slow and never manages the right sequence of moves to knock his enemy off balance.

“Yes.” He says, answering the unspoken question. Shiro scrubs a hand over his face and frowns at Lance.

“If you know you need help, you should have asked for it.” Shiro’s irritated, he can tell, as he always seems to be at Lance lately. “You’re putting the whole team at risk by not addressing it. If it comes down to a fight and you have to do hand to hand, it might be the only thing that saves a teammate.” He’s right, like always. Lance needs to be better. He’s letting the whole team down by not being good at this. Someone could die and it’d be Lance’s fault. He feels like he wants to cry. Here he is, being a burden again. He can’t answer around the lump in his throat and he nods instead. Shiro gives him a long look before walking away. Hunk, Allura, and Coran enter the room, chatting amongst themselves.

Shiro splits them up in pairs once they’ve all stretched and are ready to start. Lance ends up with Pidge, and it automatically makes him anxious. Pidge makes a lot of comments about his intelligence and combat skills, and Lance doesn’t want to deal with that today. They move around the mat so that they’re standing in front of each other, ready to spar. “The objective for today is to hold your own. Find a way to take down your opponent. We’ll work on specifics later.” Shiro gives the go ahead.

They go back and forth, throwing punches and kicks and running out of breath. Suddenly, Pidge lands a fist right on his eye and Lance’s head cracks backwards. He’s on the ground, looking up at the lights on the ceiling, bringing a hand up to cover his eye where it’s throbbing. It hurts, but not as much as what Pidge says to him. “Man, Hunk was right, you do suck.”

“Are you okay?” Shiro’s voice cuts in, coming closer. Lance sits upright, and the others move back to give him space.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He’s not, but he knows that if he shows them it hurts then Pidge and Hunk will tease him about getting hit by someone so much smaller than him, and Shiro will be disappointed in him again. He ignores the pain in his eye and cheek and smiles up at Shiro, hoping it’s convincing.

“That’s enough for now. We need to borrow Shiro to discuss the finer details of the upcoming mission, so you will have to cut training short.” Allura says from her spot where she’d been observing them. She’s looking down at a tablet in her hand, clearly reviewing notes or something else equally important.

“Sounds good, Princess, I’ll be there in a minute.” Shiro gives her a nod and everyone disburses. Hunk and Pidge leave him, chatting about some kind of robot intelligence Pidge thinks could take over the world as the door slides shut behind them. Shiro gives him one last appraising look before he joins Allura, and they leave him too. He’s left alone, sitting on the training mat. He crosses his legs, the silence of the empty room washing over him.

Eventually, he gets up and goes to shower the dried sweat off of him. He spends too long in the shower, warm water washing over him. It’s soothing to hide in the stall and avoid having to come out. He does though, after the water runs cold. He stands in front of the mirror, towel around his waist, and raises a hand to touch the glaring blue and purple bruise over his cheekbone. It’s ugly, and large. He doesn’t bother with his skincare routine. He’s too tired.

That night he lies in bed, feeling like he should be feeling something. He’s sad and lonely and he misses home more than anything, but those are all secondary to the overwhelming numbness he feels. He has no tears. It’s hard to really even feel offended anymore when the others dismiss him. After all, he’s always known he was the expendable one, the person that wasn’t meant to be a paladin. It’s almost a relief of its own to finally have them acknowledge it out loud. He doesn’t have to pretend anymore like he’s on the same level as everyone else. He gets to fade into the background and fly under the radar. He falls asleep comforted by the idea that he’s just another spec in the vastness of space.

The next day, Keith is back.

No one tells Lance until Keith’s landing in the hangar and he has to rush to meet the others. He manages to be standing in line with the rest of them when Keith exits his ship and comes up with a smart ass comment off of the top of his head. He’s grateful everyone always ignores him because his observation of Keith coming back sexier goes unnoticed. It does hurt though, when the first thing Keith says to him is how he doesn’t have time to speak to him. It rocks through him, and he doesn’t know why he’s shocked. Of course Keith doesn’t have time for him. No one does. It’s just how it is. He shouldn’t have expected anything else. He’s never been Keith’s favorite person. Still, it leaves him aching more than anything has in the last couple of months. After that, it’s just a blur of everyone asking Keith questions and Lance doesn’t see him again for the rest of the day.

Lance hadn’t really gone to sleep, insomnia a dear friend these days. Especially tonight. He doesn’t know why, but having Keith dismiss him immediately upon seeing him crushes him more than he’d like to admit. Lance doesn’t want to think about how maybe a small part of him, a really small part, had been hoping that Keith would get back and treat him like normal. It seemed like that was too much to ask for. He looks back up at his ceiling, the dark grey of the castle ship stretching out over him. He sighs. He isn’t getting to sleep anytime soon so he might as well get a change of scenery and a snack. He shuffles out of bed and slips into his blue lion slippers.

He makes it to the kitchen, glancing at the tablet on the counter. It’s three in the morning, Earth time. He pads around to the fridge, opening to see what kind of middle of the night snacks he can wrangle up. There’s not much in it, mostly just empty shelves. They’ll have to stop soon for food and supplies. He settles for a glass of milk, retrieving a cup from one of the weird alien cabinets the kitchen has.

“Hey.” Keith says quietly into the kitchen, coming up to lean against the counter opposite from where Lance had been digging through the fridge.

Lance makes a startled noise, letting the fridge shut. “Jesus, you got quieter when you got taller.” Lance holds a hand over his heart, adrenaline fading from him at the realization that it’s just Keith and not an intruder.

Keith shrugs and tilts his head at him, observing him. It makes Lance feel exposed, and he hunches his shoulders a little, taking a step back. He doesn’t like Keith looking at him, he’s not worth the time, and anxiety pecks at his nerves when Keith doesn’t speak right away.

“What happened to your eye?” Keith asks him, taking a step closer, around the counter. He sounds concerned and it confuses Lance.

Lance just holds on a little tighter to his glass of milk and shrinks back. Absently, he raises one hand to where he knows there’s black and blue smudged under his eye. “Nothing. Just—Just training.” He hates that he stuttered and worries that Keith will make fun of him.

Keith’s eyebrows scrunch up, and it has Lance scrambling to change the subject before Keith can ask any more questions. “How was the space whale?” Keith was gone two whole years, surely he has something to talk about that doesn’t involve Lance.

“Fine. I met the wolf.” He says dismissively, taking a few more steps around the counter. He leans into Lance’s space, and Lance isn’t prepared to have new and improved grizzled Keith that close to him. Keith’s shoulders are broad, and they’re pretty much the same height now. “Who hit you in the eye hard enough to bruise?” Lance forgot they were holding a conversation and looks up to meet Keith’s eyes before moving his gaze to the counter. Keith is still on the subject of his eye, and Lance doesn’t get it. This isn’t how Keith treats him. They’re supposed to bicker, and Keith is supposed to be better at everything and Lance is supposed to pretend to have a chance against talent like that. They’re supposed to get mad at each other and storm away, just like old times. Instead, Keith is looking at him softer than he ever has.

Lance doesn’t want to say. He knows Pidge is a strong fighter, and a genius, but this is the type of thing that Keith would definitely tease him about. Still, he was confronted with the question directly, and he’s taking too long to answer. “Pidge.” He finally says quietly, to his shoes. His lion slippers look ridiculous next to Keith’s uniform boots.

Keith’s hand is suddenly on his chin, tilting it gently and forcing Lance to meet Keith’s gaze. Except Keith isn’t meeting his eyes, opting instead to get a closer look at Lance’s shiner. Lance hadn’t been expecting the touch, and flushes under Keith’s scrutiny. It feels so good to have Keith’s hand on him. He can’t remember the last time someone willingly touched him. It’s gone all too soon, Keith dropping his hand to reach into the fridge. He grabs a frozen packet of some kind of goo, wrapping it in a dish towel before handing it to Lance. “Hold this on it, it’ll help some of the swelling.”

Lance stares at him in disbelief, standing in the light of the kitchen in his pajamas. Keith hadn’t teased him. Instead, he’d gone as far as taking care of him, the concern plain to see in the frozen food in his hand. Lance doesn’t know what to make of that. Actually, he feels kind of guilty. Keith shouldn’t be taking care of him. Lance hadn’t done anything deserving of it. Before he can say anything else, Keith holds a glass under the faucet for some water, and leaves as quietly as he’d come. Lance reaches up to touch his chin where Keith’s calloused fingers had held it. When he gets back into bed, he falls asleep faster than he has in a long time.

The next morning, Shiro and Allura call a team meeting. There’s no reason he needs to be here, like always, but shows up anyways. It’s not worth getting frowned at by Shiro. They’re seated around a table, Allura’s tablet projecting a hologram Galra fighter ship in the middle of it. Lance watches the purple and grey ship spin slow circles and tries to pay attention. He’d slept better the night before after his encounter with Keith, and feels like he can focus for the first time in a long time.

Pidge is seated to his left, and Hunk to his right. Shiro and Keith are sat across from him, while Allura stands next to the table. Their positioning means that he’s directly opposite Keith, and it makes him nervous. At least from this spot he can sneak glances at Keith and it won’t be weird if they make eye contact. They’re sat right across from each other, it happens.

Keith looks a little less ragged than the day before, like he also found some rest after their kitchen conversation. He has his regular black shirt and black jeans on, the shirt almost too small for him now. It pulls tight across Keith’s chest and it takes effort for Lance not to look at his pecs. His drooling is interrupted by Allura starting the meeting. He thinks maybe he should feel weird for finding Keith hot as hell, but he really doesn’t. Stranger things have happened.

“It’s important that Pidge and Hunk grab the intel as quick as they can, we can keep the other fighters away for a while, but not forever.” Allura points to one of the sides of the hologram ship and Lance squints his eyes so he can see the tiny hangar door. “This will be your entry point. The intel has important information about the whereabouts of some of the leading ships the empire has to work with. It’s imperative that you get it.”

“Don’t worry, Princess, I know Galra tech well enough to get it. We’ll be in and out.” Pidge sounds confident and Lance has no doubt about Pidge and Hunk’s success on this mission.

“I believe in you.” Allura turns to Shiro and Keith. “The two of you will be out in the Black lion trailing the ship. In the event that more Galra show up, you two will be first line of defense.” She taps the screen on her tablet, and a little lion silhouette appears a little distance away from the holographic Galra fighter, marking Shiro and Keith’s position. “Are there any questions?”

“Where’s Lance going to be?” Keith asks immediately, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. Lance sinks a little in his seat, not wanting to be called out. He doesn’t want to discuss this. Everyone already knows he’s just going to stay on the ship.

“He will be here with me in the castle.” Allura says simply, shutting off the hologram and placing the tablet on the table.

“He has his own lion to fly.” Keith says, like the information is obvious and they’re dumb to be ignoring it. “What if we have to form Voltron? It should be all hands on deck.”

Allura meets Keith’s gaze and holds the eye contact. Lance wishes he could just shrivel up, or shrink down to the size of one of the mice. Anything to not have this conversation be about him. Keith just doesn’t realize that this is how it is now. Lance stays on the ship. He’s made too many mission’s unnecessarily more difficult.

“The mission is relatively low risk. In the event that Voltron must be formed, he can join you at that point.” Allura’s tone makes it clear her mind is made up, the offense at a perceived lack of respect ringing in it. Lance is familiar with it.

“That’s stupid.” Keith snaps as stands up from the table, and Shiro puts a hand on his shoulder. The harshness of it has Lance flinching back in his chair. He doesn’t like this, not at all. He can feel panic rising, settling just under his skin.

“The princess is right, Keith. The mission is pretty low risk, there’s no point in sending everyone.” Shiro says gently, obviously trying to get Keith to sit down again. Keith shoves his hand off. Lance doesn’t get why he’s so angry. He’s been back for one day, some things have changed since he left.

“No, we used to all go. It used to be a team effort.” Keith’s voice is tight, the slight shake in it betraying just how angry he is. Lance is antsy to get out of this meeting. He doesn’t want them to fight over him. It’s not worth it, he doesn’t want to be a disappointment today. “We’re Voltron. Not ‘all the paladins except one or two’.”

“Yes, well, I do believe that you are not the one to make the final decision.” Allura has raised her voice and has stepped closer to Keith. “And I don’t think someone who left Voltron has a right to decide on who gets to fly the lions on a mission.”

Lance gasps at the words. They’re cruel, and it’s a low blow for Allura to make. It’s suddenly too quiet in the room, and he can’t take his eyes off of the clear hurt on Keith’s face. It’s gone in a second, stoicism pushing Keith’s mouth into a thin line. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, and Lance can’t breathe. He shouldn’t have come to the meeting. He should have just stayed in his bed, warm and relaxed. They’re fighting about him, and it’s more attention than he’s gotten in a month. He hates it, wants to go back to being invisible. Keith should have just kept his mouth shut and let Allura do whatever she wants, like always. It’s just how it is.

“Lance, are you okay?” Keith is staring at him from across the table. He still hasn’t sat down, but now his eyebrows are furrowed in concern as his eyes scan across Lance’s form. Lance realizes he’s been gripping the edge of the table with white knuckles, and he’s breathing too hard. The others have turned to look at him as well with varying degrees of concern or confusion, maybe annoyance, he can’t really tell. He just knows there’s too many people looking at him and it causes him to stand from his chair, wincing as it falls on backward with a bang.

He takes a few steps backward, towards the door. “Yeah. Yes, I’m fine.” It comes out too quickly and he forces himself to slow down. “I’m good. It’s just too warm in here.” He doesn’t really have an explanation to give them as he stands there. Keith rounds the table, just like he rounded the counter in the kitchen, and he glares at Allura as he passes her. Keith doesn’t get as close as he had last night, just hovers a few feet away from him. Shiro is looking at them like they’ve both grown second heads.

“You sure you’re okay?” Keith asks him quietly, lowly, and it’s meant for just him to hear. Lance is speechless, so he just nods his head. Keith won’t quit looking at him like he doesn’t believe him, and Lance flicks his gaze from Allura back to Keith.

“Just agree with her.” He whispers, taking some more steps backward away from the entire situation. Keith looks personally offended and he regrets having said anything.

“No. You deserve to go too.” Keith gives Allura a sidelong glance before directing his attention back to him. Lance is going to crack under the pressure, he can feel tears stinging at his eyes, and he turns toward the door quickly as a precaution. The need to cry is unexpected, he hasn’t in a long time, and it rattles him. He doesn’t say anything else as he quickly makes his escape.

* * *

He’s relieved when he finds his room before the tears start. He stands in the middle of it and lets out a sob, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth. Once the tears start, he can’t get them back under control. He can’t get the idea of Keith believing that he deserves a spot on the team out of his head. It’s so vastly different than anything anyone has said to him in such a long time. He hiccups and closes his eyes as he tries to take a deep enough breath to get himself under control. Once he can breathe without feeling like he’s going to pass out, the only thing he can feel is embarrassment. He can feel the heat in his cheeks when he thinks about how close he’d come to breaking down in front of them. In front of Keith. The universe must hate him, because just as he has the thought, there’s knock on his door.

“Lance? It’s just me.” Keith’s voice is muffled by the thick metal of the sliding door. Just Keith. It almost makes him laugh. “Are you okay?”

Lance wrings his hands as he hesitates halfway to the door. As embarrassed as he is, he wants Keith to comfort him. It’s insane, how far the two of them have come. He wipes a hand over his face before answering. “You can come in.”

The door slides open to reveal Keith, who takes a few tentative steps into his room. It’s awkward for a few horrible seconds as they look at each other. They don’t say anything, Keith just lets him have a moment. Eventually, Lance takes a seat on the edge of his bed and gestures at the spot next to him for Keith to take. He does. They sit.

“I didn’t know that when I left they would treat you like that.” It sounds like an apology, and Lance doesn’t know what to make of that. He’s constantly confused by Keith lately. He’s been back for one whole day.

“Treat me like what?” Lance knows, but he’s curious to hear what Keith sees.

Keith tilts his head as he searches for the words. He fidgets, picking at a spare thread on one of his gloves. He’s clearly struggling with talking so openly. It’s so weird to see Keith uncertain in anything and Lance finds it unexpectedly endearing. “Like you’re not important. They treat you like you aren’t a paladin like the rest of them. Like you aren’t their friend.” He turns to look at Lance then, meeting his eyes full on. “You’re amazing, and they forgot.”

Lance has to look away. His gaze flicks around his room, and suddenly he’s the uncertain one. He must look like he’s going to bolt again, because Keith keeps going, surer of himself this time.

“I had a lot of time to think on that space whale.” He says conversationally, and Lance can feel him looking at the side of his face. “At first all I could think about was whether we were ever going to get out, and what would happen to Voltron. That kind of thing.” Lance encourages him on with a nod, letting him know he’s listening. Keith pauses for a moment. “But then, I thought about you. About our rivalry and how stupid it was. The more I thought about you, the more I realized I was overlooking you.”

It’s too much. Keith has barely said anything to him, but he can feel where he’s crying again, tears slipping over his cheeks. He wipes at them with his sleeve. “What are you doing?” He asks, a little urgently. He genuinely wants to know. New Keith is a lot different than old Keith.

“Let me finish.” Keith ignores the question. “I decided that when I got back, if I got back, I wasn’t going to make that mistake again. But then I _do _get back only to find that everyone who should have had your back is letting you flounder out here in space by yourself. Like I used to do.” Keith reaches for one of his hands, taking it in his. Lance doesn’t try to pull it back. Keith’s hands are calloused but warm, and he’s holding Lance’s hand a little awkwardly because he probably doesn’t have much experience with it, but he’s trying.

Keith waits until Lance looks up at him again. “I can see you. I saw you last night in the kitchen, and at the meeting. You’re hurting, and they let you. Maybe you think that’s just how it is, but I don’t. I’m not going to let them treat you like that anymore, not when I can defend you.”

Lance uses Keith’s hold on his hand to pull him into a hug, throwing his free hand around Keith and burying his face in his neck. It’s probably gross, Lance has been crying, but Keith brings his free hand up to hold him close. He’s finally been seen, by Keith of all people, and his soul is lighter for it. Lance still isn’t even sure he believes him but it’s so nice to just have kindness directed at him. Yeah, Lance sometimes is a fuck up, but not always, not the way the others have been trying to tell him.

Keith presses a kiss into his temple. It’s so gentle, and Lance sucks up the affection like a sponge. It shocks him, how good Keith actually is at comforting him. He thinks maybe he shouldn’t be, Keith has always been passionate about those he cares about. He just didn’t know he was in that category. Neither of them move until dinner.

They have their first kiss three weeks after that. Lance still has his doubts about himself. He messes up a lot, and he definitely talks too much and he knows he can be insufferable. He has bad days and he misses home a lot. He’s still absolute shit at hand to hand. Except now, Keith tells him he’s a good paladin. Tells him how good his shot was when the target was so far away. Keith lets him talk as long as he wants about his mom. Keith is easy with the affection, runs a hand through Lance’s hair while they watch weird Altean movies on the tablet. And Lance gets to be there for him too. They’re a good team.

Lance finds that it gets pretty easy to convince himself that ‘it’s just how it is’ isn’t how it should be.


End file.
